Who is Andy Sibilla?

The real story

I’m going to level with you: I’m not a terribly interesting person. In a nutshell, I’ve got a family, and sometimes I manage a base level of competence at being a husband and father. I work as a software engineer, and I have a degree in English (which is I admit is a kind of strange combination, but not strange in a way that is at all exciting). I run and kayak regularly, mostly in the hopes that it will keep me alive for a little longer than if I didn’t exercise at all. I’ve been playing guitar for a really long time, and sometimes I solder together guitar effects pedals. That’s about it. What a snooze fest, am I right?

Because the real story is so incredibly tedious, I’m offering you, dear reader, a much better, alternate biography. Almost none of it is true, but you’ll probably enjoy reading it a little more than you did the yawn-inducing paragraph above.

The interesting story

Not much is known of the origins of Andy Sibilla. It is believed that he was born in the latter half of the twentieth century, and it is rumored that his father was a wolf whom his mother fell in love with while suffering from forest madness in a remote cabin in northern Washington. This rumor, while fantastic, would give credence to the theory that Andy spent his formative years living with a wolf pack in the Okanogan National Forest and subsisting on a diet of raw feral pig meat and grubs (which continue to provide the bulk of his nourishment to this day).

Andy’s confirmed history began when he suddenly appeared on the illustrious New York bowling scene in the early noughties. Rapidly gaining a reputation as a powerful yet graceful bowler, Andy quickly rose through the ranks of professional lane jockeys to win the Roller’s Trophy for three consecutive years. However, he announced that he was leaving the sport forever in 2004, citing the commercialization of bowling as his motivating factor and admonishing emerging trends such as midnight bowling, black-light bowling, and topless street bowling, all of which he believed cheapened a once noble sport.

Andy then disappeared completely from the public eye for years, only emerging again in late 2007, when police found him in Phoenix, Arizona, inside of dumpster behind a Sizzler restaurant, consuming time-expired shrimp by the fistful and missing his left eye.

Andy later explained to authorities and news crews that he had lost his eye, along with the fortune he had amassed during his bowling career, in a high-stakes poker game in the backroom of a Moroccan brasserie with an honest-to-God mummy. While Andy technically won the poker game, his shameless grandstanding enraged the mummy, who cursed Andy with eye rot and a form of mental impairment that caused him to dump all of his wealth into an MLM run by Huey Lewis.

In light of the Sizzler incident, it was clear that Andy had fallen on hard times, and the loss of his left eye, which had always been known by his close friends to be his favorite, caused him to fall into a deep depression that purportedly lasted until 2014. He then appeared without preamble at a highly-publicized hotdog-eating contest in Des Moines, Iowa breaking a local record for the number of hotdogs simultaneously eaten by an individual and further delighting spectators with a demonstration of a new prosthetic left eye capable of firing a laser powerful enough to melt bone. No one knows where Andy obtained the replacement organ, but allegedly, similar technology went missing from a secret German laboratory in 1941.

In 2017, Andy became intrigued by the wild world of inventing, and his interest lead to many important inventions, including the Flapjackula, a lifting spatula for turning large to extra-large pancakes; the Egg-Whiskula, a mixing spatula with an egg whisk on the reverse end; and the Stake-ula, a sharpened, wooden spatula designed for killing Dracula.

But once again, misfortune befell Andy: he lost his taste for inventing when sketches for what he called “The Ultimate Invention” were stolen by a rival inventor in 2018. No one definitively knows the nature of this invention, but many believe it was the prototype for the Labubu.

Since then, Andy has dedicated his time to writing complaints about the world’s most minute injustices. Some of those writings are compiled in this website.