Welcome to my website!

If you’ve landed on this page, chances are you inexplicably find yourself confused, disoriented, and perhaps even a little frightened. Don’t panic. What you’re feeling is the perfectly normal, human reaction that occurs when one is unexpectedly exposed to a perfect and complete absence of meaningful or relatable content. This site is a steaming, stinking pile of absolute garbage. The fact that it exists might say something about the state of humanity, but probably little more than that our species was doomed the second the internet became an accessible platform for insufferable boors like the writer of the paragraph that you’re now reading. I know. Now I’ve added despair to the confusion, disorientation, and fear that you were already experiencing. I apologize. Please use the below FAQ to help yourself through the tidal wave of negative emotion to which you’re being unfairly subjected.

FAQ

A: No good reason. I’m a web developer and I need to put something into the world that proves that I can indeed develop on the web so that I remain employable. Mostly, I wanted to hone my skills with AWS, so I’ve created a site that I can manage with a homegrown CMS built on things like DynamoDB, AWS Lambda, API Gateway, Cloudfront, and S3. Or to those of you who aren’t fellow software engineers, an extremely dorky dork has built a bunch of nerd stuff on the world wide web, and now you’re having to deal with it. The real problem for me has been populating this dweeb project with content. As a recovering English major, I’ve written a few things over the years, so that’s what you’re seeing now. Some of it is old, some of it is new, all of it is total crap.

A. Ultimately, that’s a question you’ll need to look deep and fearlessly inside of yourself to answer, but there are some common themes among patrons of this website. Some are drawn by the same morbid fascination that attracts rubberneckers to an especially grisly car crash. Others have committed transgressions so shameful that they believe atonement can only be achieved through extreme, self-imposed discomfort, and subjecting themselves to the tedious musings of a clearly unstable individual for literally minutes on end certainly qualifies. Still more are foolhardy mavericks with nothing to loose and everything to prove, intoxicated by the challenges inherent in the dangerous consumption of unadulterated, concentrated nonsense and completely undaunted by the related health risks that will surely ravage both mind and body.

A: Now you’re asking the right kind of question. Unfortunately, the procedure is complicated and frustrating in equal measures. Honestly, if you just write down your complaint on a sheet of paper, stuff that paper into a water-tight vessel, and throw the whole thing into the ocean, the chances of it reaching me are equal to the chances of you successfully navigating the formal complaint process; however, if you’re both a stickler for the rules and a glutton for self-punishment, read on. Firstly, to lodge a formal complaint, you must first be a subscriber. To find out more about the subscription process and what it entails, please refer to the sub-FAQ below.

Sub-FAQ 1 (On the Subscription Procedure)

A: Mostly good vibes, but please understand that I will not actively be sending those good vibes directly to you or even in your general direction. I’m very busy, and, to be honest, I don’t fully understand what a “vibe” is, so I have neither the inclination nor the expertise to be your good vibe supplier. You’re responsible for your own happiness. Think of subscribing as the catalyst that finally forces you to stop procrastinating and start cultivating your own good vibes today.

A: Call me a hopeless optimist, but I believe that when you wish for something hard enough, the universe has a way of making that wish come true. Every night, wish on a star with all your might for a subscription, and eventually, you’ll have what you desire. It might take days. It might take years. But if your heart is pure, it will happen in due time.

A: If you think back into your past, way back to a time that happened a few minutes ago, you’ll remember that you were interested in lodging a complaint after being subjected to several paragraphs of ridiculous drivel, which is understandable and your right as an American. After you’ve wished hard enough and your subscription has been awarded, you’ll receive a small, conspicuous package at a completely random time and location. It could appear on your doorstep in the dead of night. It could be hand-delivered by a mysterious stranger while you’re on a spontaneous stroll in the park even though no one could possibly have known ahead of time that you’d be at that location. It could be surreptitiously slid under the door of the public restroom stall that you’re using during a dinner out. Inside that package, you’ll find your official complaint whistle. For information on how to operate the complaint whistle, it’s various properties, and the multitude of dangers associated with its use, please refer to the sub-FAQ below.

Sub-FAQ 2 (On the Complaint Whistle)

A: Unknown, but if I had to guess, I’d say magic. The whistle will summon one of the hundreds of specially-trained messenger llamas located in your area, which will deliver your complaint directly to me with almost no detours provided the llama’s route doesn’t take it past any sizable quantities of carrots or oats. I suspect that the whistles fall into the same general category as the Pied Piper’s flute, but it’s important that you not try to lure a messenger llama into a body of water like the Pied Piper. The llamas are far too intelligent for subterfuge, and they will retaliate.

A: Also unknown. Many users report a tingling or burning sensation when the whistle is in prolonged contact with their skin. I did have one of the whistles analyzed by a scientist I know named Doctor Dan, and he claimed that it was 100% plutonium, but, between you and me, Dr. Dan is neither entirely trustworthy nor competent as a scientist (or even as a general human being for that matter). The whistles probably almost definitely are not plutonium.

A: Unknown. I found a bunch of them in the woods near my house in a cardboard box covered in what appeared to be hieroglyphics hastily scrawled with a Sharpie. Whenever I send out a shipment of whistles to subscribers, the box inexplicably replenishes itself with more whistles. These miraculously regenerated whistles glow with a brilliant, greenish light for several days, but after that, they only glow occasionally at unpredictable intervals. An interesting bit of trivia: when I first discovered the whistles, they only summoned a particularly hostile breed of wasp, but, over the course of several years, I trained the messenger llamas to respond to their shrill call. They do still summon the wasps as well though, so be mindful of that.

A: Dear God, no. There are important safety procedures you must follow to avoid unintended consequences. For more information, please read the sub-FAQ below.

Sub-FAQ 3 (On the Messenger Llamas)

A: Firstly, be sure to prepare the message before you summon the llama. They are extremely impatient, and if you force one to stand around and wait for you to prepare your complaint, it will retaliate. Write down your complaint, seal it in a water-resistant, chew-proof envelope, affix the proper postage, then summon the llama. Wait for the llama to approach you, and refrain from any sudden movements. It’s best if you’re in a seated position in a low chair so that your eyes are level with the llama’s knees when it arrives. Keep your eyes lowered, and do not attempt to meet the llama’s gaze, or it will retaliate. Offer the envelope to the llama, keeping your palms flat. The llama will likely sniff the envelope for several minutes before accepting it. Try to remain perfectly motionless during this part of the procedure, holding your breath if necessary, or the llama may reject the envelope. If the llama does reject the envelope, allow it to leave. Do not offer the envelope a second time, or the llama will retaliate. You may try again in three days time.

A: I wouldn’t. The llamas are not pets, and they are not friendly. They will often view an attempt to pet them as a threat, resulting in retaliation.

A: Absolutely. Just don’t try to force it. They happily twerk under their own terms and on their own time, but trying to coerce a llama twerking session will definitely result in retaliation.

A: Under no circumstances should you attempt to fight back. This will only further enrage the llama, causing it to focus more of its aggression on your face and neck. The best course of action is to lie still and wait for help to arrive.

A: You won’t, and I likely won’t acknowledge your complaint in any way or change my behavior whatsoever based on the contents of the complaint. It’s more for your own satisfaction and a sense that you followed through on a task for once. Great job, friend!